grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
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Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My loaf of bread looks terrified
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!