every. time.
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“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.