i want the dreams to chase me for once
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I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…