I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
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right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
6. me as a lawyer
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.