don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
You Might Also Like
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
The “baby” on the left….