my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
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Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Just a friendly reminder!
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
🙋♀️
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*