The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I’ve been drinking.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will