Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
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*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Thursday
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her