I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
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SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Google assistant rules
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.