6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”