Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
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The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Said the murderer.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily