If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
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Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.