Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about Jeff
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I wish all tests were things you peed on
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.