[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Sheep
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner