The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office