well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
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I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.