My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’