Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
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My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Me too, bag. Me too….
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.