I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
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I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Cucumbers Anonymous
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
How did we not see this back then?
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.