My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
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it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
And now we wait
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”