Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered