I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
This sounds bad:
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.