I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
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“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I am, perchance
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I see your IQ test came back negative
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters