While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
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Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.