LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Brb my Sims are getting married
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Incredible customer service.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”