if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
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Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie