Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
For this Halloween Iâve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those whoâve angered me.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, âSorry buddy,â to my 10 yr old.
10, âItâs ok. Itâs football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.â
We think whale songs are beautiful, but thatâs just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
đ¤Łđ I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and itâs still today
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Why is it called âgym ratâ? Why canât I be a âgym koalaâ or a âgym pandaâ?
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
(home depot)
frosty: soâŚi hear this is where I can find a snowblower
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime