When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
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OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Siri, fight Alexa.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Danger is very dangerous
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?