I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Challenge accepted.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him