Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
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“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.