Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
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dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]