one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
#gardening
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.