Watermelon Boss!
You Might Also Like
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.