For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
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I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Pat is about to own someone
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?