zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
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*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
crochet youtube is brutal
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.