Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
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My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.