*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
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The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.