I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
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When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.