Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
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There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday