Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Love this guy
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I am also baked goods
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
work smarter, not harder
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”