I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Print is alive and well!!!
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?