“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
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If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey