No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
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[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.