“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
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When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
i hope my email finds you on fire
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.