out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.