[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
lmfao come on
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI