Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.