Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
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Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand