It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
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My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.