The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
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date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.